Sigh.  Every morning I approach my tiny pink ASUS EEE PC and hope that the Embassy will pleasantly surprise me and send me my I600 premliminary approval somewhat “early.”  And every day, I’m disappointed.  I know I shouldn’t be – I don’t think anyone in my agency has ever gotten it earlier than day 58 – most get it within 60-70 days, iirc.  But still…hope springs eternal.  I read the blogs of the APs who are there now and it’s so wonderful to read the description of the orphanage (glowing!), how much the nannies love them (a lot), and happy the new families are.  And I get jealous.  I hear of some PAPs who’ve received approvals in 8 days.  And I get jealous.  And resentful.  I know that’s not rational.  I know that everyone has waited a long time, and there are many PAPs in the blocked provinces that are waiting far longer than they should, and I know I should be glad that at least some children aren’t spending needless months in an orphanage.  But I admit, I can’t help it.  I honestly thought I’d be a mother this Mother’s Day and I’m not.

I also feel – as I’m sure many other PAPs do – like my life is in limbo.  I really don’t care about anything other than getting that travel permission.  I don’t care about my job, I’ve pretty much lost interest in my hobbies, and thank God my friends routinely invite me places otherwise I’d be a hermit.  Once the morning email is opened, there’s nothing else for me to focus on during the day.  Beyond that, I also feel like – no, not feel like – I have put off decisions regarding my life as I wait for Matthew.  Primarily, my job.  Prior to my current job in the insurance industry, I worked in private practice as a lawyer and I hated it.  HATED IT.  I was so happy to escape and my current job has been wonderful….

however…

I’ve been here for almost 5 years and I’m feeling a little itchy.  My department is not “big” on promotions, and I am – by nature – a fairly ambitious person.  I’m also stuck in one of the worst areas of the NYC outer boroughs and my company may not be moving all of us back to Manhattan, which had been the plan.  I can’t tell you how much I wanted to go back to Manhattan.  I don’t want to stay here where the windows occasionally get shot out during the night and a woman was murdered across the  street.  If I don’t get to move to Manhattan, I’d rather go work in one of our suburban NJ offices.  Additionally, I’m sitting in a cubicle and I hate it.  I haven’t sat in a cubicle since 1990.  I can’t get an office until I get promoted.  But my department doesn’t promote.  So…I have to think about moving on.  I don’t want to leave the company, but I wouldn’t mind looking elsewhere in it.  But…I don’t want to change this job for something that is going to make a lot of demands on my time that will conflict with my responsibilities to Matthew.  One of the great thing about my current department is that it is extremely family-friendly.  I can work from home at the drop of a hat.  My boss is a working mom herself, and is very easy to deal with when it comes to days off, late arrivals, early departures.  I don’t want to make a move now, and then be in a department where I don’t have that.  So I’ve been waiting for Matthew because I figured I’d work a few months after he came home and then see if my burning ambition has subsided; meaning, maybe an office and a promotion won’t seem so necessary.

So that’s my whine for today.